EP4 | You're Not a Bad Friend.... You're Just Tired AF

In this episode of the Women Are Not Okay podcast, Crystal discusses the challenges of maintaining friendships in midlife, emphasizing that feeling tired and overwhelmed does not make one a bad friend. She explores the emotional load women carry and the importance of redefining friendship to accommodate these realities. The conversation highlights the need for understanding, empathy, and low-pressure connections among friends, encouraging listeners to embrace their limitations and prioritize self-care.

Keywords: friendship, burnout, midlife, emotional load, mental health, women, connection, empathy, support, self-care

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Real talk. Midlife. Mental health. Relationships. Mindfulness.
Because we’re not fixing it all today — we’re just not pretending anymore.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:03

Welcome to Women Are Not Okay, the self-help podcast where we talk about things mental health, relationships, and mindfulness. Can you admit that you're not okay? Let's be real. Things are shifting. Our bodies, our identities, our mentality, and our relationships. Girl, it's time for us to reclaim our sense of peace, sanity, and well-being. I'm Crystal, and no, I'm not okay. See, that was easy. Let's get into it. Hi, this is Crystal. Welcome to episode four of the Women Are Not Okay podcast. Today we're going to be talking about how you are not a bad friend, you're just tired AF. Guilt versus capacity and midlife friendship. So today's episode is for every woman who's ever stared at a group chat, heart racing, wondering how to say, I just don't have it in me right now. If you've ever felt guilty for canceling plans, ghosting a text or two, or needing space, girl, you're not alone. Let's get one thing straight. You're not flaky, you're not rude, you're not a bad friend, you're just tired, burned out, emotionally maxed, mentally booked, physically depleted, and maybe hiding from a group chat or three. So let's talk about it. So this is a little backstory, a little personal story about how I felt like I was a bad friend. And it does have a happy ending. So here's what happened. I was affectionately called a runaway bride by my two dear friends Deb and Dana. Both were hostesses with the mostesses and would throw the best get-togethers. If it was a barbecue, if it was someone's birthday, pool parties, you name it, they were hosting, and it was always guaranteed a good time. But there were times, more than I care to admit, that I would either say I may go and then not go, or go and then dip out early, and lastly, stay the entire time feeling uncomfortable. Not because I didn't love them, but because I was drowning in anxiety. I didn't have the words yet. I just knew I couldn't show up. And the guilt, whew, girl, it was loud. I told myself I was a bad friend, and that they think that I didn't care about them or all the effort that they put into their get-togethers. But eventually I told the truth and I said, I'm struggling, I'm anxious, I didn't want to cancel, but I had to. And for anybody that suffers from anxiety, you know the key to this is I may go. Because that would always give you an out. I would justify it by saying, Well, I said I may go, I never said for sure. Maybe I would or maybe I won't, because then you know that people are going to assume that that may means a yes. So I played the game, I knew the game, I could have created that game. But after talking to Deb and Dana, you know what? They totally understood. They didn't shame me, they held space for me. And that moment changed how I see friendship and how I see myself. Although I did tell them they had to take back all the crap that they talked about me when I wasn't there all those years. But I digress. Next, guilt versus capacity. Let's break this down. Guilt says, I should have done more. Capacity says, I'm doing all I can. We confuse emotional exhaustion with failure. We think needing rest means we don't care. But here's the truth: you can love someone deeply and still not have the energy to engage with them. You can be a good friend and still need space. You can be present in spirit even when you're absent in action. That's not avoidance, it's self-preservation. And sometimes self-preservation is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. Next up, redefining friendship. Midlife friendship hits different. It's meme birthdays, it's canceling plans without guilt, it's loving someone while honoring your own limits. But here's the twist: we still need connection. Even when our anxiety or our exhaustion tries to convince us otherwise, our brains might whisper, stay home, it's easier. And sometimes that's valid, but other times, that's just burnout talking. So maybe we stop aiming for constant connection and start creating intentional connection. What if we made a deal with our friends? Just one day a month: a coffee date, a target run, a bring your own blanket and watch dateline kind of night. Because one intentional day of laughter, venting, and recharge time can fill your cup in ways that you never knew existed. I have two girlfriends that we do tend to text during the week, but life gets busy, you know, with family and kids. But we always make it a point to go to brunch at least once a month. And that way we can do our ketchup, have some mimosas. But I'm telling you, after our brunch dates, we all just feel so energized and so grateful for each other. And even sometimes, as soon as we get home, we text each other and say, you know, thank you. I needed that. We laugh, we cry. It is it's cathartic. It really, really is. So even if you feel like you don't have the energy or the capacity to do this, just try it. Try once a month, just for a couple hours. You owe that to yourself. You can sacrifice a couple of hours to laugh and to recharge and to feel good. Friendship isn't about frequency, it's about sincerity. It's not about perfection, it's about presence. So let's rewrite the rules. It's okay if we go weeks without talking. It's okay if thinking of you shows up as a meme share and nothing more personal than that. It's okay to need rest before reconnection, but it's also okay to show up messy when you can, because connection, even in small doses, reminds us we're not doing this alone. So if you've been feeling guilty and you've been calling yourself a bad friend, please hear this. You are not a bad friend. You are a human friend. You're doing your very best. And the people meant for you, they'll understand. When was the last time you felt guilty for needing space? And how does low pressure connection look for you now? It's all about the recharge, ladies. So, in closing, let's normalize friendships that honor capacity and intention over consistency. Let's stop romanticizing. We show up no matter what. Sometimes the bravest thing you can say is, I don't have it in me right now. And sometimes the kindest thing you can hear is, that's okay, I'm still here. If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who gets it. And if you're hiding from a group chat today, I see you, girl, you're not alone. Until next time. Thanks for listening. Just so we're clear, I'm not a licensed medical health professional. I just pay really good ones who help me unpack all this chaos so I can come here and share it with you. Think of this as a pay it forward kind of thing. So until next time, protect your peace, set your boundaries, and remember, it's okay to not be okay.