EP 7 | Detachment Isn't Cold - It's Self-Preservation

In this episode of the Women Are Not Okay podcast, Crystal explores the concept of emotional detachment, emphasizing its importance as a self-preservation tool rather than a negative trait. She discusses the myths surrounding detachment, its benefits, signs of learning emotional detachment, the role of mindfulness, and practical ways to practice detachment while maintaining humanity. The episode encourages listeners to embrace their evolved selves and recognize that detachment can lead to healthier relationships and personal growth.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:03

Welcome to Women Are Not Okay, the self-help podcast where we talk all things mental health, relationships, and mindfulness. Can you admit that you're not okay? Let's be real. Things are shifting. Our bodies, our identities, our mentality, and our relationships. Girl, it's time for us to reclaim our sense of peace, sanity, and well-being. I'm Crystal, and no, I'm not okay. See, that was easy. Let's get into it. Hi, this is Crystal. Welcome to episode 7 of the Women Are Not Okay podcast. Today's episode is called Detachment Isn't Cold. It's self-preservation. And if that title means you reach for your therapy journal, good, because we're going there. Because somewhere along the way, emotional detachment got a bad rap. Like it's robotic, like it's rude, like it's the cousin of ghosting. But I'm here to tell you, detachment is not the villain, it's the velvet rope between you and chaos. So let's talk about what emotional detachment really is, why it's not cold, even if it feels icy to people who benefit from your burnout, and how to swap the signs that you're evolving, not malfunctioning. Emotional detachment is defined as a state of disconnecting from emotions or others emotionally, which can be a temporary coping mechanism for stress or trauma, or in layman's terms, talk to the hand. So let's start out with what detachment is not. We're going to discuss the myths because detachment isn't being rude or dismissive, ghosting people because you're protecting your peace, or shutting down emotionally and calling it boundaries. Detachment isn't about numbing, it's about clarity, and the difference between I'm responsible for your feelings and I'm responsible for my energy. It's not a shutdown, it's a total recalibration. Now let's discuss what detachment is. Detachment is choosing not to engage in an emotional tug of war, observing without absorbing, saying, I see your chaos and I raise you silence, and knowing that your worth isn't tied to how well you fix or take care of other people. Ooh, I'm gonna say that one again. Detachment is knowing that your worth isn't tied to how well you fix or take care of other people. That's a biggie. Detachment might confuse people, especially if your old self was the emotional conseignge, always available, always validating, always exhausted. But this new version of you, ooh girl, she's got range. She's got boundaries. She's got a velvet rope and a clipboard that says, not today, Satan. Five reasons we need detachment without apologizing for it. Let's be real. Detachment isn't just a vibe, it's a survival skill. Here's why learning to emotionally detach is the glow up your nervous system's been begging you for. Number one, you need breathing room, not a front row seat to chaos. Detachment gives you emotional elbow space. It's the difference between witnessing someone's meltdown and absorbing it like a sponge. You get to keep your equilibrium instead of drowning in somebody else's drama pool. Number two, you make smarter moves when you're not spiraling. When you're not tangled in fear, anxiety, or people pleasing all three things which I am guilty of, your decisions get sharper. Detachment clears the fog so you can actually think, not just react like a caffeinated squirrel. Number three, boundaries become sexy, not scary. Detachment helps you love people without losing yourself. You stop micromanaging their emotions and start managing your own. Relationships get healthier when you stop playing emotional concierge and start honoring your own limits. Number four, you stop renting space to stress. When you detach from outcomes and other people's chaos, your anxiety takes a back seat. You stop trying to figure out what is and what's not yours to fix and start accepting reality without dragging it through a therapy session that you just didn't sign up for. And number five, you remember who the hell you are. Detachment is the ultimate identity reclamation. You stop being defined by your relationships, your roles, or your emotional labor. You start showing up as you, not someone's emotional support human. Next, seven signs you're learning emotional detachment. Sign number one, you pause before reacting. That pause, that's power. That's you choosing response over reactivity. This is something that I have been practicing in my daily life. I love my husband, I love him dearly, but there are times when we'll have a conversation and his tone, not that he says anything degrading or upsetting or insulting, but sometimes his tone really just sets me off. And before, I would automatically stop and internalize his mood and internalize what he said to me, which would then change my mood, which would then make me sad, and I would just walk away because I didn't want any type of confrontation. Now, I pause before I react. So if he does say something that's going to set me off, I take a deep breath, I count to three, and I choose my response wisely. Even if that response is a look like, oh no, you didn't, he gets the picture, we have an understanding, and we can move on. But I'm choosing not to internalize other people's reactions, attitudes, words, things that they're saying, because that takes too much of my inner peace. Number two, you don't chase closure. You realize some people can't give you closure because they don't have it themselves. I mean, if you guys couldn't come to a mutual understanding and put both of your big girl pants on to figure out what was wrong in the relationship, and you just let it die, then you just let it die. There's no reason for you to go and chase after something that's gonna make you feel better if you know that that other person is not gonna respond or not gonna give you what you need. It's wasted energy. Unfortunately, this happens a lot in midlife women relationships, marriages, relationships with your children, relationships with coworkers. Always remember to put yourself first. Put yourself first, get closure within yourself. And thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Number three, you let people be wrong about you. Because correcting every narrative is exhausting, and you've got better things to do, like healing. I mean, what's the point in correcting everything? That is such wasted energy. If somebody is gonna feel some way about you or think some way about you, why take the time to constantly defend yourself? If you have to constantly defend yourself, your actions, your emotions, your thought processes with someone, they're not your people, so just move on. Huh. That felt good to get that out. Number four, you stop over-explaining. Isn't that what I just did? Number five, you feel peace and silence. No more compulsive texting, calling, or checking in. You're not ghosting, you're grounding. Number six, you don't take things personally. You understand that projection is a mirror and not a map. And I do have to admit, back to the taking things personally, it's easier said than done. I totally get it, but I've noticed that when I take the time to think it through, instead of just automatically reacting, I then choose whether or not I want to exert my energy on this particular issue. You know, it goes back to that whole pick your own battles. I truly believe that detachment will help you, as it's helped me, pick and choose my battles. And I'm a little bit happier about that. And I'm a little bit more grounded because of it. And finally, number seven, you're okay with being misunderstood because your self-worth isn't up for debate. And I don't even need to elaborate on that one. Let's talk about how mindfulness plays into this. Mindfulness isn't just deep breaths and lavender oil. It's noticing when your nervous system is screaming run and you choose to walk instead. It's catching yourself mid-drama spiral and saying, actually, I'm not auditioning for emotional circle display today, so I'm just going to go ahead and walk away. It's choosing peace over performance. And yes, it's snarky sometimes because humor, believe it or not, is a coping mechanism, and sarcasm is just trauma-wearing lipstick. Now that we've gone over the definition of detachment, what detachment is, what detachment is not, five reasons we need detachments, seven signs you're learning emotional detachment, and how mindfulness comes into play. Now we get to the good part. Five ways to practice detachment without losing your humanity. Detachment is not just a mindset, it's a muscle. And like any muscle, it needs reps. Here's how to flex it without flinching. Number one, pause before you pounce. That moment between stimulus and response, that's your power zone. Take a breath, sip your coffee, and ask yourself, is this mine to carry or am I just emotionally loitering? Number two, use the not my circus mantra. When drama comes a knocking, whisper to yourself, not my circus, not my monkeys. It's cheeky, it's funny, and it's grounding, and it'll remind you that not every emotional fire needs your marshmallows. Number three, limit your emotional availability. You don't have to be everyone's 24-7 therapist, especially if they're not paying you to be that. Start saying things like, I hear you, that's interesting, hmm, I agree, instead of let me fix that. Oh, let me tell you what I would do. Or uh I don't know. You're not abandoning people, you're honoring your bandwidth. Number four, detach from outcomes, not effort. This is a good one. Do your best, then let it go. Whether it's a conversation, a job interview, an argument, a boundary you set, your worth is not tied to how it's received. You're responsible for the input, but not the reaction. That one I would go ahead and highlight in your journal. Number five, journal like you're writing to future you. Get those tangled thoughts out of your head and onto paper. You can even use post-it notes, you could use voice memo on your phone, you can use the notes app, but just get those thoughts out of your head and onto paper. You can ask yourself, what would emotionally evolved me do? Spoiler alert, she wouldn't spiral, she'd sip on her coffee and move on. And once you write things down and you go back maybe a month or two later, you'd be amazed at seeing if there's been a change in your thought process, or if it's still the same, or if it's worse, but it's a good way to guide you along with your healing process. So I know a lot of people talk about in therapy journaling, eh, who wants to do that? But it really, it really does help. So, next, here's a little love letter to your evolved self. To the woman learning detachment. You're not cold, you're clear, you're not mean, you're mindful, you're not broken, you're boundryful. Girlfriend, you're allowed to walk away from chaos without the guilt. You're allowed to choose yourself without apology, and you're allowed to be soft and strong and snarky and scared. This version of you, she's not robotic, she's radiant. If this episode made you feel seen, validated, or slightly less like a walking emotional sponge, share it with someone who needs a reminder that detachment is divine. And if you're still learning how to detach without disassociating, welcome to the club. We meet weekly, we wear comfortable stretchy pants, on Wednesdays we wear pink, and we don't explain our boundaries to anyone. Until next time, stay classy, stay grounded, and remember, it's okay to not be okay. Thanks for listening. Just so we're clear, I'm not a licensed medical health professional. I just pay really good ones who help me unpack all this chaos so I can come here and share it with you. Think of this as a pay it forward kind of thing. So until next time, protect your peace, set your boundaries, and remember, it's okay to not be okay.