EP 9 | They’re Grown… But Still on Your Wi-Fi Plan: Midlife Moms & Adult Kids

In this episode of the Women Are Not Okay podcast, Crystal discusses the complexities of midlife motherhood, particularly the transition from parenting to consulting as children become adults. She shares personal anecdotes and offers practical strategies for maintaining peace and boundaries while supporting adult children. The conversation also touches on the emotional nuances of the empty nest phase and the ongoing cycle of motherhood across generations.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:04

Hi, this is Crystal. Welcome to episode 9 of the Women Are Not Okay podcast. Today's episode is titled, They're Grown Now, but Still on Your Wi-Fi plan. Midlife Moms and Adult Kids. If I had a dollar for every time my daughter texts me, Mom, who's our insurance? I could probably afford the rent that she can't. So here's the question: When do we stop parenting and start consulting? Today we're diving into that weird limbo of midlife motherhood, the space between don't forget your jacket and don't forget to file your taxes. Our kids are grown, or at least their student loans say so. But somehow we're still parenting, just a little differently. So grab your coffee because we're unpacking what it really means to parent adult kids without losing your peace, your privacy, or your mind.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03

The dynamic shift.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05

When your kid becomes an adult, the whole relationship changes. You go from manager to mentor, from did you brush your teeth to did you file your taxes? For me, this transition hit when our daughter graduated in May with her master's degree. She's almost 26 and still living at home. Not because she's lazy, but because it's expensive as hell out there. And honestly, we're lucky. She works full-time, she's respectful, and she's genuinely fun to have around the house. But there are still moments I forget she's an adult. Like when I tell her to text me when she gets there and she goes, Mom, I'm 26. And I'm like, okay, but your location's still on, right? And that could be from watching too much dateline. Here's the tricky part. Love evolves. Supervision becomes support. Control becomes coaching. We're no longer teaching them how to live. We're modeling how to handle life when a sucker punches you. And that means biting your tongue when they make decisions that make your left eye twitch. Because autonomy means letting them mess up a little while you whisper, I told you so, in your coffee. The other side of the coin. Now, that's the peaceful version. Let's talk about when your adult kid is a walking tornado. You know, the ones who move back home but forget it's not a hotel. The ones who bring drama, bad choices, and emotional clutter that doesn't fit in the guest room? For those moms, this season can feel less like an evolution and more like an emotional hostage negotiation. But listen, you can love your adult child and protect your peace at the same time. Here are five real talk strategies. Number one, reframe the relationship. You're not their manager, you're a consultant. They can take your advice or not, but either way, the invoice is emotional energy. Number two, stop enabling. Love doesn't mean paying the Wi-Fi for someone who refuses to grow up. Unless of course you're billing them for emotional roaming charges. Number three, detach with compassion. You can care without caretaking. Detachment isn't cold, it's classy self-preservation. Number four, enforce boundaries. My house, my rules, my peace. If they can't follow them, they can Venmo you for the utilities. Number five, focus on your own life. You've spent decades pouring into them. It's your turn to refill your own damn cup and maybe spike it if needed. Sometimes loving them means saying I believe in you from over here in quiet. And yes, sometimes that means changing the Wi-Fi password until they love you respectfully.

SPEAKER_00: 4:19

Empty nest vibes.

SPEAKER_01: 4:21

Even when your kids live at home, there's this weird aching nostalgia. You miss their little kid energy, even though their big kid opinions drive you insane. You see their old lunchboxes in a photo and think, when did she go from asking for happy meals to asking for PTO? It's grief mixed with relief. I miss her little voice, but I thank God I don't have to do any more math homework. Algebra was my villain origin story. Empty nest isn't just silence, it's identity. Who am I when I'm not needed every second? It's freeing, yet it's terrifying. It's midlife magic with a side of mild panic.

SPEAKER_00: 5:12

Healing and moving forward.

SPEAKER_01: 5:15

Here's the thing. The relationship doesn't end, it evolves. You're not losing your child. You're gaining a grown human you can actually hang out with. You get to talk like equals, share wine, slap advice, and laugh about things you used to cry about. This stage is your permission slip to grow too. To rediscover yourself, not just as their mom, but as your own damn person. Because when you prioritize your peace, you teach them how to protect theirs. Boundaries aren't rejection, again, they're evolution. So if your texts now read dinner's ready less often and out of town, peace out more often, that's called growth. And I'm proud of you. So if you're in this stage too, consider it your permission slip. Grow, laugh, and reclaim your peace. The do's and don'ts of parenting adult kids. Alright, let's get practical for a minute. Because sometimes we need more than philosophy, we need a checklist. So here are some do's and don'ts of parenting adult kids that can save your sanity and theirs. Du's. Get to know them as adults, not just as your children. Provide guidance and support, not unsolicited advice. If they live at home, set clear rules about responsibilities. Have them pay their fair share, it teaches financial responsibility. Give them room to make mistakes, but also hold them accountable. Don't come between them and their own families. Offer advice if asked, but don't insert yourself and get all in their business. Set boundaries because boundaries are love and action. Don'ts don't be overly critical of their choices. Don't ever let them disrespect you. Ever. Don't clean up their messes. Accountability is adulthood. Don't compare them to siblings, cousins, or your friend's perfect child. Don't guilt chip them into decisions that serve you more than it serves them. Don't ignore red flags. Girl, denial does not help anyone grow. Don't sacrifice your peace to keep the peace. Think of it this way. Parenting adult kids is less about managing their lives and more about managing your energy.

SPEAKER_00: 8:03

The mirror me and my mom.

SPEAKER_01: 8:07

Here's the twist no one warns you about. While you're learning to parent an adult, you're still somebody's kid. I'm 52, and my mom, she'd still drop everything for me in a heartbeat. And it's humbling because I finally get it. The cycle doesn't stop, it just shifts. The need gets softer, but it never disappears. When I talk to my mom now, it's not just mother-daughter, it's woman-to-woman. We compare notes, share stories, and sometimes annoy the hell out of each other. But there's a mutual understanding and a whole lot of love underneath it. And when my daughter texts me for help, I think, yep, I'm her, she's me, and somewhere out there, my mom is laughing. We're all just women at different checkpoints of the same marathon. Passing the emotional paton, praying nobody face plants. So if you still need your mom, that's okay. It's not immaturity, it's connection. We're wired for it. And if you are the mom who's still holding space for your grown kid, that's okay too. That's love evolved. So let's wrap this one up with a few quick truths to tattoo onto your brain, or at least onto your heart. Number one, you're not the same mom and that's a good thing. Number two, boundaries aren't cold, they're classy. Number three, you can love your adult kids and still love your peace more. Number four, nostalgia doesn't mean regression, it means reflection. And number five, you can be the daughter who still needs her mom and the mom teaching independence. Both can coexist beautifully. So yeah, maybe we never stop being somebody's baby, and our babies will always be our babies. And if you're lucky, they'll finally start paying their own Netflix. Until next time.